Year-end Epiphany

Maybe I've phrased the question I've been asking myself lately wrong.....Maybe instead of asking myself what I want to do with my life, the better question would be to ask what I have the courage to do with my life.......the whole dilemma between an MDiv and a PhD may really just rest on what I have the courage to pursue.

The prospect for both these options are arguably equally bleak. On the one hand, with the PhD, I'd have to find a supervisor, I'd have to think of a project that I even remotely care about, and then even after getting the degree, there's the issue of post-doc and what to do after. On the other hand, with the MDiv, there's the issue of where I'm going to procure the money for that, where to do my vicarage, whether I care enough to stay Lutheran, which church to go to after.......

But it's the MDiv option that I don't know if i have the courage to pursue. Can I bear the disappointment of all those (which includes myself) who think I'll be wasting my potential in academia? Can I bear the ridicule of all those who think I won't be able to do a good job? (It's not like we have a great example to look towards) Can I bear the scorn of all those who think I'm ignoring my duty to provide for my future family and putting my future children at a disadvantage by choosing a path that is not financially stable? Will doing an MDiv be truly worth standing up to all of this?

And yet, doing a PhD seems to be the more logical option. I mean, even if i absolutely detest it, switching to an MDiv afterwards is so much easier than switching from an MDiv to a PhD, especially one in science......and i just have this gut feeling that if I don't do my PhD now, I'll never get around to doing it.....

I suppose I can do both, but I also don't want to die in the process........three terms of excessive work, with the four and final one starting in 3 days, has made me learn the hard way to stay away from insane workloads whenever possible...............